Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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