I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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