he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
