I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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