How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
