sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
