I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
