The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
