Already got asked if we're dating
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
