is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
