I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
