I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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