I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
birth control should be required to get into college
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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