Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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