I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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