I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
