this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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