Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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