im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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