i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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