my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
