One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
