I think my vagina is haunted
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
