Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
