I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
