watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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