Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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