I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
