I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
