There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
