I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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