My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
