my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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