he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
