finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
