im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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