I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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