I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
