woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
