The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
