why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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