When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
