but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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