Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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