My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
