How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
