I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
