I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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