He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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