i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
