What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
