his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
