I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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