where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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