I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
