I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
